we need to be kind to ourselves

Just because two people decide to not continue a relationship, or decide to alter its boundaries, does not mean that the relationship failed. I have to remind myself of this. We have to be kind to ourselves regarding really difficult situations.

Alex and I had a lapse in our boundaries recently. A series of events lead us to a nostalgic frame of mind where we gave into our positive thoughts and feelings without regarding the negative/realistic side of things. Anniversary. Holiday. And then throw some hormones in there and we've got a recipe for thoughts of a possible reconciliation.

After a month of talks, things have returned back to normal. We reminded each other that it was just nostalgia, that there are reasons why we are divorcing, and that this doesn't mean we won't be able to be apart of each other's lives. That's our main fear: losing each other entirely. And we have both reassured each other that won't happen.

Our dissolution papers are turned in and all we've got to do is go to the courthouse to pay our fees and three weeks or so later we will be divorced. It's just a label, you know. Married. Divorced. It means something different for everyone. And in our case, it doesn't mean "Failed Marriage". Divorce means we love each other enough to allow the other one the freedom to grow and become who we were meant to be. We're still kids and we need to grow up without each other being involved in every aspect of the other's life. We have found that it's not possible for us to do that while we're married.

I do believe that there will be more Desaree and Alex adventures. Desaree and Alex are over. Desaree and Alex are just friends now. There is no reason to have unkind thoughts about that; it's a happy thing.

wise words from the Royal Wedding

     "'Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire,' so said Saint Catherine of Sienna, whose festival day is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be; their deepest and their truest selves.

     "Many people are fearful of the prospects of our world, but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one - This is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope.

     "In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding, with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

     "William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous god who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ. And in the spirit of this generous god, husband and wife are to give themselves to each other. 

     

     "Spiritual life grows as love finds its center beyond ourselves, faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this: the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.

     "In marriage, we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life. It is, of course, very hard to ween ourselves away from self-centeredness, and people can dream of doing such a thing, but the hope should be fulfilled. It is necessary that a solemn decision is made; that whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.

     "You have both made your decision today: 'I will'. And by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what, we believe, is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race. 

     

     "We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely the power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by increase by loving wisdom and reverence for life, for the earth, and for one another.   

     

     "Marriage should transform as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform so long as we don't harm our ambitions to reform our partners. Their must be no coercion if the spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase, 'When mastery cometh, the god of love anon, beteth his wings, and farewell, is gone'." 

     

     "As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the west, there has been a corresponding inflation of the expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We're all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive; we need mutual forgiveness in order to thrive. 

     "But as we move toward our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads on to a family life, which offers the best conditions in which each generation can receive and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division, and incubate the coming world of the spirit whose fruits are love and joy and peace. 

     

     "I pray that all of us present, and the many millions watching this ceremony, and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen. That way, which is expressed in the prayer, that you have composed together in preparation for this day:

 'God, our father, 

we thank you for our families; 

for the love that we share, and for the joy of our marriage. 

In the busyness of each day, keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life, 

and help us to be generous with our time, and love, and energy. 

Strengthen by our union, help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. 

We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.' 

"And we all say, 'Amen'."

-The Bishop of London

update

I haven't written for sometime now because things haven't really changed, though they kind of feel like they change every day. It's difficult to write about something that you feel like you've already covered or when you don't really know the status of something.

Things really haven't changed. Alex and I are both living separately, and it doesn't look like this is going to change anytime soon. I am not bothered by this and I really do think it's the best thing for both of us as individuals and for our relationship, whatever status it turns out to be in the end.

Both of us have started seeing therapists to work on our individual issues. I suspect that we will end up going together at some point, so long as we decide that we actually want to work things out.


I don't know about from his point of view, but I think that being honest has really helped this process. And the honest truth is that I do love Alex, and I really hope that things work out between us. I hope that it works out because we can be really good together. I hope that it works out because I don't want to be a 20-something divorcée - and not because I would mind being divorced, but because of the fact that it would mean that I have had a failed marriage. FAILED. Not exactly something that's easy to deal with. But, even if we work on the things, individually, that drive each other crazy, it may be that we are just going to be better off as friends.

It may be that I'm not the right type of person for him; as I've told him before, I think he'd be happier with someone more demure. And it may be that I need something a little more than he can give me; there is nothing "wrong" with him - he is who he is - but sometimes I feel like having someone more active and secure is what I really need.

Neither of us are in a rush to work things out or go through with the divorce. We are just taking things really slow so we can work on ourselves and then evaluate the relationship when we feel more stable. I don't know how other people do things, but this is working for us.

Cave Swimming at Blue Creek

After our tour at Cyrila's, we were taken to lunch at an Indian restaurant. There were many different kinds of rice, beans, meats, bbq and it was all delicious!
One thing about Belize is that they LOVE habeñero pepper. A lot of times they offer a habeñero sauce that is blended with some kind of fruit. So good, but it is potent. They also have jars of pickled veggies: onions, olives, and the habeñero - much like the pickled peppers that you find at mexican restaurants containing jalepeños, carros, onions, etc. - on the table for you to enhance your food.
When in Rome! We totally took a bite!

Yes, it was VERY spicy and our mouths hurt for a good 10 minutes.

After lunch we headed out to start our tour of Blue Creek. It was about a 30 minute drive to get to the parking spot. Along the way, we saw great sites, though.

Maya Mountains

Maya Mountains

giant Mahogany tree

building with thatch roof

After we parked, I saw, what I thought, was the weirdest thing. CHICKENS lying on the ground!

After I got over the chickens, we started our trek to the opening of the cave.

As we walked and came across various plants, our tour guide (whose name escapes me at the moment) would tell us how Mayans used to use them. For example, how to make a thatched roof.

And how to extract the heart of a palm to make heart of palm soup.

We also had the chance to see a Mopan Mayan woman in her traditional attire.

Then we finally got to the river, which lead us to the cave opening.

We then got into our suits, hopped in that cold water armed with life jackets and a head lamp, and swam to the back of the cave where we found a waterfall. Obviously we don't have any pictures because we didn't have a water proof camera and the lighting was horrid, but I suggest that you do this if you ever get the chance. 

Here are some things we saw on our walk back.

busted bridge

spiny palm tree 

giant leaf cutter ant hill

Cacao Tour

When Alex and I went to Punta Gorda, Belize in November, we decided we'd splurge and pay for a tour. Luckily, there were a couple of really great ones to choose from and it only cost $100 per person for the entire day.
The first part of our tour was a demonstration from Cyrila's Chocolate, a small company that farms cacao in a sustainable and organic fashion and then makes products from it, such as wine, chocolate, and chocolate powder.

  

We left at about 9am with our tour guide, Seriano, who drove us out to the demonstration site. 

When we arrived, we were greeted by José who showed us around and explained all the facets of the way their farm works. 

Cacao in fruit form

vanilla in plant form

ducks

rooster

turkeys

José and his raised plant beds. Dried palm leaves help keep the animals
from eating the plants. It's organic! 

Then he took us upstairs to a loft area where he and his wife gave us a demonstration of how the Myans used to take the seeds from the cacao fruit, roast them, shell them, and then grind them to make chocolate.

Taking off the roasted shell of the cacao seed

Once all the seeds are out of their shells, you have to try to get the little broken parts out. 

To do this, you have to (carefully) throw the seeds into the air and catch them.

The idea is that while the seeds are in the air, the little particles will float out.

Instructions on how to use this ancient grinder.

Alex is a master chocolate maker.

But this lady, chocolate making is in her blood.

100% cacao. Very bitter.

While talking about their farm and business, they allowed us to try their cacao wine, orange chocolate, and hot chocolate drink. Not only were they tasty, but it was organic and from a sustainable farm. I was really impressed with this business and very happy to help support them. Alex and I bought all three products for our families, and even some for ourselves.

If you ever make it down to Southern Belize, it's definitely worth checking out.

snow days

Oregon rarely gets any snow where people actually live. There are some years where we will get a light dusting one day, and people play, but it's over by noon. Sometimes we actually get a full snow day with big chunky flakes falling toward an inch or so on the ground. This week we got some of that.

I took photos on my phone, which I will try to figure out how to upload to my computer. I'm not going to lie, there was kind of a lot yesterday. And it kept falling until mid-morning when the sun came out from behind the clouds and dried us all up. I don't mind it. We got to get out of work because Oregonians don't know how to drive on snow and ice and then by the end of the day it was gone.

The thing that baffles me is how school districts determine whether or not they're going to allow a snow day. Yesterday, nearly the entire state was shut down. All of the public and private schools, except for a handful, were able to enjoy the snow. One of those schools in the handful was in the district in which I work, which would have meant that I would have also had work. Luckily, our bosses have good judgement and allowed us to stay home anyhow. Last night, after nearly all the snow had melted and it wasn't snowing any longer, the district decided that today would be a good day to have a snow day. It is gorgeous outside: sun shining, no clouds, barely any snow... yet, they want a school day.
Like I said, I don't understand how a school district determines this, but I do know that it isn't always logical.

This give me a second day off. Yesterday I squandered my day on sleep. Today, I've been on a mission to get things done, though it's two and I haven't done much save for eat and shower. I have decided that I need to work on those pictures that are on this computer that I've been promising for MONTHS. It is out of control how much work I need to do, which is why I haven't done it.
I'm gonna do it.
Right now.
I'm going.

Expect them soon. SOONISH.
over and out.

favorite things

I have a couple of favorite things right now. They are kind of all over the spectrum as far as categories go, but I am sort of a random person so it's fitting.

Jersey Shore - I first watched this show about two years ago, when it started. I heard a big buzz about it and decided that I would not give into the fad. But somehow things are OK when you do it to make fun of it. So Alex and I tuned in one day to see the disaster and ended up watching the marathon... just for fun, though, right? I've kept up lightly since then, but now it's turned into a full blown favorite. I DVR this show. It's kind of scary.
Now, I call this "trash TV" and I know that it adds no real value to my mind, but it is entertaining and a definite conversation piece. Also, and in their defense, they can be quite philosophical sometimes....ironic, right?

Moroccan Oil - This is not oil that you cook with, people. This is deliciously aromatic oil that you put in your hair to make it smell divine and, even better, feel like silk. It is worth its weight in gold, which is why it's so frickin' expensive!! I bought a bottle that was almost 4oz, I think, for $40. It ought to last a couple of months, so when you look at it this way, it's not as bad. Plus, I'm hoping that it will help my ends which will help me to get hair cuts less often. If you have the means to get some of this stuff, I completely suggest it. I got mine at the local beauty school shop.

Panic! At the Disco Pretty. Odd. - I loved Panic!'s first album. A lot. And so when I got this one the other day I was pretty excited to listen to it. It did not let me down. My favorite songs include "Do You Know What I'm Seeing?" and "When the Day Met the Night". Makes me so happy inside!
If you have liked their music in the past, or have heard "Nine in the Afternoon" on the radio, this album would be a good choice for you.


This are the things that have made me go "EEEE!!" when I think about them. When I get out of the shower, I'm so excited to put in my oil. When I get in the car to go to work, I'm so excited to put Panic! in my ear holes. When it's Friday morning, and I remember that I have the new episode of Jersey Shore on my DVR, I am like "OMG".

Obviously this is subject to personal taste. If you don't like trash TV, you probably won't like Jersey Shore. If you don't like Panic!'s genre of music, you probably won't like their album. And if you hate hair, then you will not like the Moroccan Oil. Use at your own discretion.


Note: This is not a paid advertisement and I am in no way affiliated with any of the above mentioned. These are my own personal opinions of these products. 

favorite recipes from this week

Alex made us Fettuccine Alfredo for our Valentine's Day dinner. This was the first dish that he made for me when we first started dating, and has made it a couple of times since. It has never come out as good as it did last night.

Alfredo Sauce
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
4 oz (half a brick) cream cheese
1/4 cup (2oz or half a stick) butter
1 cup Parmesan cheese
3-4 cloves garlic, minced

Melt butter and add garlic. Add the rest of the ingredients and cook over low heat for 30 minutes, stirring occasionally. When you're just about ready to eat, turn it up to med-low heat to thicken. Serve over fettuccine, or whatever pasta you like.

We also made green beans. They rocked! Did you know that adding wine makes them better? True story.
1/2 lb fresh green beans
3 cloves of minced garlic
olive oil
1/3 white wine (we used riesling)

Heat the oil with garlic on medium heat. Add green beans and stir to coat them with the oil and garlic. They will start to get brown/black on some parts. Add some white wine and cover. When the wine dries up, add a little more and cover. Continue until your desired tenderness is achieved.


The other thing I love right now is fresh oatmeal. You know, the giant thing of oats that you pick up at the store when you want to make oatmeal cookies? Those ones. Not the ones that come in packets.
Around the house we've been kind of following a sort of diet to help us eat better and hopefully lose weight. It's kind of a combination of two ideas that we got from two different books. I won't go into it now. But, one of the books has recipes and one of the breakfast ones is chocolate oatmeal. It was just OK, but a bit too chocolatey for me. So, this morning, I decided to do something different.

Blueberries and Cream Oatmeal
1/3 cup oats
24g scoop of Muscle Milk's blueberries & cream powder
1/2 cup of water

Mix the oats and powder together before adding water. Microwave until oats are cooked (1-2minutes).
Eat it!

You can do this with any protein powder, I'm sure, but this one is my favorite so far. Tastes just like the blueberries and cream oatmeal that you get out of the packets. The only difference is that this is better for you (more vitamins, less sugar).

update

life is really hard sometimes. it's difficult to figure out the right things to do at a moment when a decision is required. especially when those decisions involve other people, the people dearest to you.

I haven't written a lot lately because Alex and I have been going through a lot of changes. It started with deciding to take a very expensive trip back home for the holidays, forgoing Costa Rica, and has ended with our separation.

Alex and I are back in the states, as you might have heard or seen, and we're not going back to teach in Honduras. We are living apart right now because we need to decide if staying together is the best thing for each of us. It's a difficult decision to make, but we're talking and trying to make the best choice for each of us and our relationship.


I've been thinking about renaming this blog for sometime now. Maybe I will do that in the wake of our separation, even if we do end up staying together. Mostly, Alex hasn't contributed to this blog like I have, and really, though it's about our life, it's really only my perspective. So, we shall see but don't be alarmed if you do notice a change in the future.


In other news, Alex and I both have jobs, which is amazing to me given the economy's state. They're not full time jobs with benefits, but we're working which is what really matters. Coincidently, or not so coincidently, they are both with the Boys and Girls Club in Lebanon, though he's working at the main club and I'm at the brand new Teen Center. Pretty exciting, right?

Anyway, I will try posting on here more frequently now that the air is clear.

movies I've seen recently

So while we were in Honduras, Alex and I managed to download a lot of movies despite the very slow internet connection speed. I must say that we downloaded even more when we got home and realized just what we had been missing out on. Who knew you could download a blu-ray in a couple of hours? It's crazy!

Here are some of the movies I watched and what I thought of them, just in case you care.

Black Swan: First of all, who knew that Natalie Portman could dance? I have no idea if she had previous experience, I assume she must have, but if not than she fooled me. I also didn't know that this movie was going to be so seriously creepy. I would say that it's definitely a thriller. 

Because I really like ballet, this movie was interesting to me on that facet. But the fact that you don't know what's going on a lot of the time, really, until the end of the movie, really kept me watching despite the blood and suspense. 

If you like a movie that's a little twisted, then I would try watching this one. Plus, there is a lot of award hype about this film, if that holds any weight for you.

Ramona and Beezus: If you know me, than you know I'm not really a mushy, family movie type of person. I hate mush. Which is why I was really surprised when I turned out to not only like this movie but love it. I think that the girls who play Ramona and Beezus did a wonderful job. The story line is cute, but very realistic especially for the tough times these days. 

I'd say that this is a movie for everyone. Watch it by yourself, watch it with some little kids, whatever! It's enjoyable either way.

Dinner for Schmucks: Well, I watched this movie for a little bit and then I got bored and stopped watching. That should tell you enough. 

Bottom line is that it's good for a couple of laughs but not really worth the time to sit down and watch it seriously.

Killers: Ashton Kutcher is hot, but his delivery in romantic comedies is so terrible. It's like, he's pretty much the same character in everyone of his movies... LAME. 

For me, this movie took a little too long to get to the good stuff. I lost interest about 45 minutes in and stopped the movie. 

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Super nerdy/dorky but pretty darn funny and entertaining. If you liked any other movie that Michael Cera is in, you will probably like this one, too. If you are a child of the mid-late 80s/early 90s, you will probably like this movie as there are many sweet video game references (not specific to one game/system) that are sure you crack you up.

If you like funny movies, watch this one.

The Runaways: An interesting movie about the first all girl band that formed in the 70s. Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning do a pretty great job in this movie, especially since it's kind of a one of a kind role and definitely out of their norm from their past roles. 

See this movie if you're bored and like movies based on true stories. Also, if you're big into Joan Jett.

So there you have it. Grab a movie from Red Box and make some macaroni and cheese. You know you want to.

burrito bowl

Because I've been trying to get rid of these 10 pounds that I've put on since being back in the States, I've been working out and trying to eat smaller, more frequent meals.

One of my favorite things right now is my burrito bowl. I have these little bowls that are the size of my palms combined and I use that for portion control. I make sure to only fill the bowl up to the top, and not overfill it.

I've posted my bean and rice recipe. We made extra this past week, so I've been using the left overs for my bowls. My dad's girlfriend, Cate, made some pulled pork, and I've been using a little of that as well.
Put some cheese on it.
Microwave it.
Eat it.
SOO good!

You can do this with non-homemade products as well. The idea is to get your protein in, a little bit of carbs, and a little bit of fat.
I am not a dietitian or anything, but it seems pretty healthy!

no resolutions

I did not make a new years resolution. I think I have in the past but, like a lot of other people in the world, probably did not keep them.

I guess if I had to pick a goal for the year it would be "be happy". I realized today that this does not only mean doing what's best in the moment but what's best overall for everyone involved/effected. A lot of times, we can't feel right with ourselves if we have regrets about wronging another. So, that's definitely a factor.

I did end up going running today though. I decided that it'd be a good idea to take the dogs on a walk, which turned into me and Cate going running. Because I'm very rusty, we chose to do a one and a half mile loop. I did the whole loop, but that definitely does not mean that I ran it. If I had to guess, I'd say I ran about half a mile total.

Even though I hated nearly every minute of it, I felt great for the rest of the day. So, that is at least some kind of incentive for me to continue.

Anyone make a new years resolution? Is it different or the same as years past?