In two days, it will be our anniversary. Married for one year.
There have been some things that have changed dramatically, some that have stayed the same, and some that we are trying our best to change ourselves. I'm not sure anyone does, but I didn't realize when I was preparing for our wedding day how hard it was going to be for us. I assumed it would be difficult; everyone says it is. I didn't think we would struggle nearly everyday, though.I have been telling everyone this month that I think we're doing really well for all of the traumatic events we have been through this year. Anyone in our position would have a difficult time on their own, much less trying to make a new marriage last. I believe this in my brain. But after the words come out, I don't feel it in my heart. I think this happens because I'm always pushing for each of us to be better and, for us to be better as a couple, I don't want to put the blame on anyone, or anything, but ourselves.
And I think I also just know that it isn't all related to the things we've experienced; some of it has to do with our personal problems that become the other's problems. I think this is the hardest thing about marriage. Things will come up that have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with that person's past, insecurities, or any other personal bull, and you have to somehow deal with it. Sometimes it will be to take a passive approach and allow that person to work through it on their own. Or, they may ask for help, or you may offer it. And, it is the time, effort, pain, irritation, and impatience that wears on your relationship and causes you to wonder if you can even help or want to deal with the situation anymore.
This is the hard part. At least for me - I won't speak for both of us. And, I must clarify, this is not necessarily about me dealing with his issues. This is also relates to how I deal with my own issues and how it wears on me, and thus the relationship.
I hope, and I think it probably does, this relates to all marriages and I'm not just speaking in general terms for nothing. Mostly, I wrote this because I have been seeing and hearing a lot of lovely stories about how everyone's marriages are so perfect, they love each other so much, they are having a baby, they are buying a new house, etc. Well, I think that's great, and I am envious, but I think it's important to share about the hard times, too. Not everyone's life is peaches and sunshine and cute, giggling babies. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes marriage is really hard. That's where we're at, and I just want others to know that they're not alone in the boat. It's not so much a misery loves company thing as it is wanting to feel normal in a time when those around you seem to be doing well and you're not having such a great week, month, year, etc. That's all.
Peace Corps Update:
I received an email earlier this week letting me know that my "tool kit" had been updated. This is really just a webpage that lets you know what you have turned in, what has cleared, what hasn't, and your holds. So, this update was to let me know that I have a medical hold, which is normal, because my medical papers are under review. I also have a financial hold because I have a loan on my car, which I will have to sell in order to have the hold cleared. I will not be doing this until I get an invitation and accept the challenge.
Alex and I have not decided if we will accept an invitation if it comes for the August depature or not. I mean, for a while it was "I don't know if we will"... and then it was "We're definitely not going to go in August". But, we are really comin up on some hard times (financially) here and if we can't find full time jobs, I don't see another option. And no, moving back in with the parentals is not an option.
Back to life.
We're not entirely sure what we're going to be doing to celebrate our anniversary. We've gone through a host of ideas from going to Vegas (finally!) to Seattle, to just dinner, to the casino for the buffet and gambling. I think that the casino would be the most fun, and the chance to win some money is an exciting idea. But, with Alex's hours being cut 30% this week, I feel like it's a bad idea as we should save our money so we don't die (i.e. starve, fall behind of any bills, etc). Though, we hardly ever go out, and I feel like we need to do something fun, just the two of us.
Also in the works: trip to idaho, seattle, vegas, roatan. these things will happen, though I have no idea when. Idaho is in July for sure. All others are up in the air.
Maybe we'll win some money at the casino... dreams...
Now, back to reality: work. but first some food and a shower.
