Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow marks the fifth year of the relationship that exists between Alex and me. Two years before marriage... Two years after...nearly a year separated.. and nearly a year divorced. Needless to say, it has been an interesting experience in which we have both learned and grown a lot.

I can honestly say that we are the best we have ever been. I personally feel more comfortable with our relationship; how I am in our relationship. We still have a lot of things to work on, either to find resolve or compromise... mostly involving the differences in how we handle situations or view things. Luckily, though they are sometimes difficult to talk about, these things aren't deal breakers. We have the understanding, which has been the understanding the entire time, that we love each other and we want to be together. It's just that now we realize we actually have to work, and work together, to make it work. I think we knew that before.. that it takes work to make things work... we just didn't know if it would work with us, how things were.

I believe that the break we had from each other in 2011 was a good one. I mean, it was really trying... we both cried a lot... we yelled a lot. We did things to piss each other off. We did things to manipulate each other. We slept alone, in separate houses, and we called each other when we were lonely. And we made peace with not being with each other. Then, after filing for divorce, we decided that we wanted to be together. Not that we were wrong for separating or having this time apart, but that we were ready to commit to each other again. We really needed that time, that space away from each other, physically and emotionally, to say these things, to do these things, to test each other outside of the trust of the marriage, to rebuild what we wanted "us" to be.

So, here we are five years deep and just really beginning our lives as adults. Things have really begun to look up for us as a couple and as individuals. I still believe that everything happens for a reason, and we are where we're at in life for a reason... to teach us something that will prepare us for something bigger in the future.

Congrats to us for doing what was best for us at every stage in our relationship, even though it might not have been the easiest or the most popular decisions, and coming out of it better people and partners. And here's to the future of trailblazing our own way through this journey.

we need to be kind to ourselves

Just because two people decide to not continue a relationship, or decide to alter its boundaries, does not mean that the relationship failed. I have to remind myself of this. We have to be kind to ourselves regarding really difficult situations.

Alex and I had a lapse in our boundaries recently. A series of events lead us to a nostalgic frame of mind where we gave into our positive thoughts and feelings without regarding the negative/realistic side of things. Anniversary. Holiday. And then throw some hormones in there and we've got a recipe for thoughts of a possible reconciliation.

After a month of talks, things have returned back to normal. We reminded each other that it was just nostalgia, that there are reasons why we are divorcing, and that this doesn't mean we won't be able to be apart of each other's lives. That's our main fear: losing each other entirely. And we have both reassured each other that won't happen.

Our dissolution papers are turned in and all we've got to do is go to the courthouse to pay our fees and three weeks or so later we will be divorced. It's just a label, you know. Married. Divorced. It means something different for everyone. And in our case, it doesn't mean "Failed Marriage". Divorce means we love each other enough to allow the other one the freedom to grow and become who we were meant to be. We're still kids and we need to grow up without each other being involved in every aspect of the other's life. We have found that it's not possible for us to do that while we're married.

I do believe that there will be more Desaree and Alex adventures. Desaree and Alex are over. Desaree and Alex are just friends now. There is no reason to have unkind thoughts about that; it's a happy thing.

wise words from the Royal Wedding

     "'Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire,' so said Saint Catherine of Sienna, whose festival day is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be; their deepest and their truest selves.

     "Many people are fearful of the prospects of our world, but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one - This is a joyful day! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope.

     "In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding, with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

     "William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous god who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ. And in the spirit of this generous god, husband and wife are to give themselves to each other. 

     

     "Spiritual life grows as love finds its center beyond ourselves, faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this: the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.

     "In marriage, we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life. It is, of course, very hard to ween ourselves away from self-centeredness, and people can dream of doing such a thing, but the hope should be fulfilled. It is necessary that a solemn decision is made; that whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.

     "You have both made your decision today: 'I will'. And by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what, we believe, is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race. 

     

     "We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely the power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century. We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by increase by loving wisdom and reverence for life, for the earth, and for one another.   

     

     "Marriage should transform as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform so long as we don't harm our ambitions to reform our partners. Their must be no coercion if the spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom. Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase, 'When mastery cometh, the god of love anon, beteth his wings, and farewell, is gone'." 

     

     "As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the west, there has been a corresponding inflation of the expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life. This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We're all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive; we need mutual forgiveness in order to thrive. 

     "But as we move toward our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light. This leads on to a family life, which offers the best conditions in which each generation can receive and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division, and incubate the coming world of the spirit whose fruits are love and joy and peace. 

     

     "I pray that all of us present, and the many millions watching this ceremony, and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life. And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen. That way, which is expressed in the prayer, that you have composed together in preparation for this day:

 'God, our father, 

we thank you for our families; 

for the love that we share, and for the joy of our marriage. 

In the busyness of each day, keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life, 

and help us to be generous with our time, and love, and energy. 

Strengthen by our union, help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. 

We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.' 

"And we all say, 'Amen'."

-The Bishop of London